My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
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Oh deer
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.