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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.