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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Here’s a meme
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.