What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.