Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
$4 #usedbooks
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over