*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.