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[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
that colleague who touches your screen
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?