Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Sticker placement is key.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
An odd boast
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.