I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I feel attacked.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times