[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
classic mixup
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.