INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
You Might Also Like
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.