I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I’m giving up ice.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS