Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”