I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Yeah. This was me today.