‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
You Might Also Like
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak