Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.