[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.