ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.