I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Mood.. 😂
What fresh Hell is this?!?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq