My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Jokes on them. I took 10.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it