Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The Joker was right
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.