Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
scares
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face