Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me sliding into hell like
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
OKAY DAD
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”