Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
You Might Also Like
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.