My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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Dolls on drugs
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.