The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.