Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN