I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You Might Also Like
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.