I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes