You Might Also Like
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.