Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
You Might Also Like
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.