When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
You Might Also Like
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Lmfaoooooo
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
need him
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009