Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
You Might Also Like
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.