twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!