I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Mornin
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack