HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
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This 4th of July, please remember…
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I love art.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address