What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
😂😂😂
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
#parenting
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
In Canada they just call them geese
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”