me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind