I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms