My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
The Assassin.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.