Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
rise and shine we got egg
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.