A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I put the hot in psychotic.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
omg leave her alone
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.