Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal