“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.