Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
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[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
A game married people play.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*