Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy