Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You Might Also Like
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please