I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
taking June’s advice to heart
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Body by cheese-puffs.
*jingles half the way*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.