Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?