I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
You Might Also Like
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.